A Taboo Subject... I love pushing the envelope on tough topics.

I finally finished my Developmental Psych paper, and what did I write about? Something that I doubt anyone else is. Something warped from my own childhood. I tried really hard to use a different topic, but kept coming back to this one. It's definitely not coffee table reading material. But just maybe, just maybe writing about it in my own little way will help someone else somewhere a long way down the food chain of life. I don't know. I actually felt more clinical writing about it this time. Maybe I'm cured! :-) Or maybe my life is just way to happy to let anything pull me down. I was really wanting badly to write about how ex-wives talking badly about fathers warps children, but I guess I need more material. HA!

Anyway, here is my paper in it's roughest form. 

Sibling Sexual Abuse: Not Child’s Play

“Child sexual abuse is any interaction between a child and an adult (or another child) in which the child is used for the sexual stimulation of the perpetrator or an observer” (APA, 2010).

Sexual abuse between siblings remains one of the last taboos to be addressed by society, yet it is very real and its effects mirror those of any other child abuse victim. Sibling abuse is defined as sexual behavior between siblings that is not age appropriate, not transitory, and not motivated by developmentally, mutually appropriate curiosity (Caffaro & Conn-Caffaro, 1998). This form of sexual abuse is not about curiosity, but instead about abuse of power and usually occurs where there is a developmental age difference of more than three years and where there is any use of force, tricks or coercion by one of the siblings. Trust is essential in families, but a sibling who has been given a lot of responsibility and power may abuse that trust. Sibling sexual abuse often takes place when parents fail to pay attention to trust that they have placed in one of their children (SASIAN, 1994).

The misuse of power that is portrayed in sibling sexual abuse tends to show up in other ways as well. These siblings may put down, tease, or belittle their younger siblings in the form of emotional abuse. There may also be physical abuse that would include hitting, pinching and smothering of younger siblings, which the older sibling will discount to their parents as rough housing or child’s play. This type of abuse is not child’s play, but about power and control. Our society explains away brother-sister incest with “boys will be boys,” “you were just kids,” or “kids experiment.” However, there is a recurring theme in sibling sexual abuse that includes power, control, threats, secrecy, coercion, attention, and sexual acts that are not normal behavior for typical siblings (Shaw, 2000).

For the most part, survivors of childhood sexual abuse do not tell as children, or do not tell at the time the abuse is going on. “Children who have been sexually abused may respond with self-blame and self-doubt. They may fear the perpetrator and the possible consequence of disclosure. Hence, in order to survive sexual abuse by a trusted family member, children make accommodating efforts to accept the abuse and to keep the abuse secret” (London & Bruck, 2005). Living in a constant state of terror can also contribute to learned helplessness. Learned helplessness is a conditioning behavior due to prolonged exposure to uncontrollable events causing passivity; making one believe they can no longer control the outcome of similar future events (Seligman, 1975). After repeated abuse, a child will believe that there is no escape from the abuser and will adapt their behavior to believe they are helpless against it. While childhood sexual abuse is now widely talked about in our society, sexual abuse by siblings is still very much a taboo subject. As such, survivors feel a great deal of shame, which perpetuates the need for silence (Pandora’s Project, 2009).

“Young children live in the frightening land of giants [and] depend on the benevolent wisdom, guidance, and restraint of the adults around them” (Craig & Dunn, 2007, p. 234).

The factors of sibling sexual abuse include neglect. If children are neglected, either physically or emotionally, they might engage in a full range of sexual activities. Part of their behavior might come from their need to give and receive comfort when they are not getting any from their parents. This may be how the sexual activity between siblings starts – as experimental and mutual. However, because of power differences between children, it rarely is. If the behavior continues, it can become abusive, especially if one of the children wants to stop and the other does not. Other factors include lack of sex education, inadequate socialization, denial, access to pornography, an older sibling given too much responsibility, children who have witnessed or experienced sexual abuse, and denial (SASIAN, 1994). “Adolescent boys are known to be responsible for as much as 50 percent of child sexual abuse” (Hyde & Forsynth, 1997, p. 26). “Sexual abuse [of any type] is more often inflicted on girls, physical abuse more often on boys” (Craig & Dunn, 2007, p. 235).

For many years, it has been thought that sibling sexual abuse is harmless and does not cause any significant effects on adult functioning, health, or relationships. This line of thinking is what has caused sibling sexual abuse to be traumatizing for the survivors of the abuse. They have been taught that not all family secrets should be let known and told that it was normal childhood behavior. However, these survivors show many of the typical effects of child abuse that include: somatic disturbances, parenthood problems (worrying about their relationship with their children), poor self-concept/self-esteem, re-victimization, self blame, guilt, sexual dysfunction, issues with trust and intimacy, PTSD, eating disorders, self-injury, substance abuse, depression, and sexual promiscuity (Pandora’s Project, 2009). Adult survivors may appear to have everything “together” and be “on top of things.” This can be an outer reflection of a pervasive inner sense of unworthiness or inadequacy. Denial and depression are often connected to various expressions of a “performance syndrome”. The abuse causes one to feel like they are not good enough and must prove their goodness and ability to appear like everyone else. Survivors may show signs of over-responsibility and a feeling of needing to be in control of every outcome. This causes depression from the unhealthy load of unrealistic expectations from one’s self (Heitritter & Vought, 2006).

Resentment does set in toward family members for the survivors of this type of abuse for inadequately protecting them from the abuser. Family get-togethers are often strained for those who have come out against the abuse or those who have not come out. The most healing benefit to those survivors is for this subject to be referenced in literature and media as real and no longer treated as child’s play. Sibling sexual abuse is as real as the words written before you.

Deep Into the Darkness

Crawling deep into the darkness, I found my refuge from the pain,

I was safe under the house while he shouted out my name.

Deeper I would go until my own hand I could not see,

There I would close my eyes and dream of a different me.

When finally it was safe, I would sneak out to the light,

And run to my room until my parents came home at night.

Bolting the big locks on my doors to keep the monster out,

Beating on my door while my name he would shout.

It’s not fair that you left me there without you,

And now you think I make up stories that are not true.

When I was feeling low I’d finally give in to his demand,

And let him touch my naked body with his dirty hands.

What other attention was there for me to seek?

I was just a young girl and… weak.

Everything was evil and oh so wrong back then,

How could I tell you when it was such a sin?

Into the storage barn he would take me along with his friend,

And that is when my innocence would end all over again.

Where were you, I wish I had known-

But you put locks on my doors, so something must have shown.

The stolen gifts he would give me and the secrets he would tell,

Sinking me deeper into his darkness, and further into my shell.

I kept seeking his acceptance although I don’t know why.

And back up his stories with lie after lie.

Even your blinded eye saw the anger in him.

But from where did it actually stem.

Was it the spankings with both our pants pulled down?

Naked in front of each other being beaten, tears spilling to the ground.

Had someone done to him what he was doing to me?

How will I ever know the truth and be set free?

Did you ever take the time to tell me you were proud?

Of whom I was becoming or was I just a face in the crowd?

Did you tell me daily that you loved me?

And to dream that there was no limit to what I could be?

No, I was to be seen and not heard.

So my lips never escaped one word.

I resent the way you raised me and blindly think you did so well,

The heritage you gave me has caused my life such hell.

By believing that abuse is what I deserve and none should I tell.

Too bad for you because your secrets are out,

Maybe you don’t believe, but with them you hold no clout.

You wonder why I do not come to see you,

Why would I?

Stay behind your cloud of pride,

I know you cannot take a side.

Be there for him and his girl,

She will need you in her world.

There’ll be a day when darkness falls on her,

But this time, remember my words.

He has an evil deep within,

Who knows when with her it will begin.

You cannot save me and nor do I wish you too.

I have a loneliness that is new.

But I like it here without you.

(Medlock, 2006)

References

Caffaro, J.V. & Conn-Caffaro, A. (1998). Sibling abuse trauma. Assessment & Intervention with Children, Families, and Adults. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.

Craig, G. J., & Dunn, W. L. (2007). Early Childhood: Personality and Sociocultural Development. In Understanding Human Development     (pp.234-235). New Jersey: Pearson.

Heitritter, & Vought. (2006). Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse. Minnesota: Bethany House.

Hyde, & Forsynth. (1997). The Sexual Abuse of Children and Adolescents. Connecticut: Millbrook Press.

London, K., & Bruck, M. (2005). Disclosure Of Child Sexual Abuse. American Psychological Association, 11(1), 194-226. Retrieved from

http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/features/law-111194.pdf

Medlock, S. A. (2006, June 28). Deep Into The Darkness [Web log post]   Retrieved from No Longer Seen And Not Heard:    http://theheardpoet.blogspot.com/2006/06/sibling-incest.html

Seligman, M.E.P. (1975). Generality of learned helplessness in man. Journal                of Personality and Social Psychology, 31, 311-327.

Shaw, R. (2000). Not Child's Play: An anthology on brother-sister incest.

Maryland: Lunchbox Press.

APA [American Psychological Association]. (2010). Retrieved from

http://www.apa.org

Pandora's Project [Support and resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse]. (2009). Retrieved from                                     http://www.pandys.org/articles/siblingsexualabuse.html

SASIAN [Sibling Sexual Abuse - A Parents Guide]. (1994). Retrieved from http://www.sasian.org/

Sincerity In Simplicity

There is sincerity in simplicity. We all love to make things more complicated than they are rather than just enjoy something for exactly what it is, and rarely do we find the truth comforting so we complicate it. We all start out simple as babies. We need nourishment, to be held and comforted, and our diaper changed. We end our lives the same way when we grow old. We revert to babies with those same simple needs. We love pets because all you have to do is give them food and water and in return they give us unconditional love. Where do we go wrong as we grow up and turn into adults? What happens to the sincerity of our words? Why do we have the need to complicate the simple? Why can’t we say what we mean and do what we say?

As we grow up, we learn to expect perfection in our lives no matter the cost. If we turn to religion instead of faith, we have a set of rules to follow and if we mess up – we tend to fear the judgment of others. When a woman asks if she looks fat, her significant other better be there to tell her she doesn’t even if she needs to compete on "America’s Top Loser". We do this with our children too. If they ask us where babies come from when they’re four, we tell them storks. We can’t handle the truth that comes with sincerity in all of its simplicity. And we don’t think that others can handle it either. Our government is full of everything but sincere individuals and we wonder why we’re in the state we’re in. It is all about how things look but not how they really are and that is what we’ve comforted ourselves into believing is truth. We get loans to obtain more things in our life to make us feel better about ourselves when it turns out that we feel more stressed about how we are going to go about paying for them.

Stop and take a look at your life and think about doing the two following steps towards gaining sincerity in simplicity:

1. Identify what is important to you, and eliminate everything else.

2. Be genuine in all that you do.

The first step is about simplifying your life and getting all of the emotional and physical clutter out of it. The second step is about living a sincere life. You will have more time, more money, and feel better just getting rid of things. Everything you own has upkeep, costs, and absorbs your time. Emotional clutter is the energy vampires that prey on you, soaking in all of your energies and leaving you zapped. Let them go too.  I promise they’ll find someone new, because that is how they found you. Spend time alone so that you can find your genuine self if you’ve lost her along the path of being what everyone needs. Then be her… and don’t settle for less than exactly who you are.

Monet See's Beauty In His Afliction

Interpretation of “Monet Refuses the Operation” by Lisel Mueller

In “Monet Refuses the Operation” by Lisel Mueller, Monet is having a conversation with his doctor about the reasons he should not have surgery on his left eye. Monet refuses to have the surgery to correct what has “taken [him] all [his] life to arrive at” (5-6). “If only [the doctor] could see how heaven pulls earth into its arms” (44) then he would understand how beautiful Monet sees his world as “blue vapor without end” (46). After already having one surgery on his right eye, Monet argues the reasoning for going through with another surgery on his left eye to correct what he does not want to see as a problem. Monet insists throughout the poem that his vision is more of a nuisance to his doctor than to himself. No matter how conflicted the doctor believes Monet’s world to be due to his cataracts, Monet sees beauty in his “affliction” (4).

This surgery to correct Monet’s cataracts would “restore [his] youthful errors: fixed notions of top and bottom, the illusion of three-dimensional space” (15-18). What Monet sees in everything is beauty even if his world is distorted in the view of analytical doctor – he believes that distortion gives his world depth. Beauty that would take “a long streaming hair inside [Monet’s] brush to catch it” (36-37) is the distortion he wishes not to change. Why are we so eager to correct someone else’s problem when they don’t see it as a problem? That seems to be exactly what the doctor is trying to do by correcting Monet’s vision with cataract surgery. The doctor says “there are no halos around the streetlights in Paris” (1-2), but to Monet he sees a relationship between objects instead of “objects that don’t know each other” (26). In a continually changing world, Monet believes “light becomes what it touches” (29). The doctor regrets that Monet does not see fine lines, but instead of perfectly drawn lines, he sees a relationship between wisteria and “the bridge it covers” (19). It sounds like he has been waiting his whole life to see this relationship, and correcting it would be the distortion.

“Doctor, if only you could see” (42-43) the beauty in Monet’s world where “heaven pulls earth into its arms” (44) then seeing perfectly may be - not seeing at all. When Monet paints his world it involves relationships with objects and not fine lines. The doctor has been trained to see all of the fine lines so to Monet he believes it is the doctor that needs the correction. The very magic of this poem is in the last lines when Monet says, “how, infinitely the heart expands to claim this world, blue vapor without end” (45-46). Monet distinctly proves that the doctor must try and see with his heart the beauty of the world and then he would understand the importance of Monet keeping his ‘affliction’.

Impressionism involves light and its changing qualities and the inclusion of movement which does not allow for fine lines and distinct objects. Claude Monet is known as the “father” of impressionism meaning he brought this type of art into existence. He painted what he saw with all of its natural distortions and with old age he was now able to see the fruition of his life’s work with “vision[s] of gas lamps as angels” (6). He turned an affliction into seeing the beauty of not seeing “the edges” (8) that the doctor regretted he could not see.

Monet Refuses the Operation

by Lisel Mueller

Doctor, you say that there are no haloes
around the streetlights in Paris
and what I see is an aberration
caused by old age, an affliction.
I tell you it has taken me all my life
to arrive at the vision of gas lamps as angels,
to soften and blur and finally banish
the edges you regret I don't see,
to learn that the line I called the horizon
does not exist and sky and water,
so long apart, are the same state of being.
Fifty-four years before I could see
Rouen cathedral is built
of parallel shafts of sun,
and now you want to restore
my youthful errors: fixed
notions of top and bottom,
the illusion of three-dimensional space,
wisteria separate
from the bridge it covers.
What can I say to convince you
the Houses of Parliament dissolve
night after night to become
the fluid dream of the Thames?
I will not return to a universe
of objects that don't know each other,
as if islands were not the lost children
of one great continent. The world
is flux, and light becomes what it touches,
becomes water, lilies on water,
above and below water,
becomes lilac and mauve and yellow
and white and cerulean lamps,
small fists passing sunlight
so quickly to one another
that it would take long, streaming hair
inside my brush to catch it.
To paint the speed of light!
Our weighted shapes, these verticals,
burn to mix with air
and changes our bones, skin, clothes
to gases. Doctor,
if only you could see
how heaven pulls earth into its arms
and how infinitely the heart expands
to claim this world, blue vapor without end.